What is Non-Violent Communication (NVC)?
Non-violent communication, also known as NVC, is a communication technique developed by psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, starting in the 1960’s. It has also been called Compassionate Communication. The purpose is to facilitate communication between individuals in a way that is respectful, empathetic, and non-judgmental. The goal is to connect with others in a way that promotes understanding and cooperation, even in difficult or emotionally charged situations.
NVC is based on the idea that all human beings have the same basic needs, such as the need for safety, love, respect, and autonomy. When our needs are not met, we can become frustrated, angry, or defensive. Non-violent communication teaches us to recognize our own needs and the needs of others, and to express ourselves in a way that is honest and direct, while also acknowledging the feelings and needs of the other person.
What does the NVC model look like?
The basic model for NVC is really quite straightforward and simple. It is a process that combines four components with two parts. While the four components are specific ideas and actions that fit into the form and the model of NVC, the two parts provide a solid foundation for living with non-violence as a foundation: honesty and empathy.
The four components of non-violent communication are:
Observation: This involves describing the specific situation or behavior that is the focus of the conversation, without judgment or evaluation. For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me," a non-violent communication would start with an observation like "When I try to talk to you, I notice that you often interrupt me."
Feeling: This involves expressing how the situation makes you feel, without blaming or attacking the other person. For example, "When you interrupt me, I feel frustrated and unheard" - instead of “When I try to speak, I feel disrespected.”
Need: This involves identifying the underlying need or value that is not being met in the situation. For example, "I need to be heard and understood when I'm trying to express myself."
Request: This involves making a clear request for a specific action that would help meet your need. For example, "Can we set aside some time each week to have a conversation without interruptions?"
And these two main parts:
Empathy: Receiving from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.
Honesty: Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.
Non-violent communication can be used in a variety of settings, from personal relationships to the workplace. It can be especially useful in situations where there is conflict or disagreement, as it can help to de-escalate emotions and find common ground. By using non-violent communication, we can foster mutual respect, understanding, and empathy, and build stronger and more positive relationships with the people around us. As a coach and facilitator, I teach these techniques from a somatic perspective. I explain how we can emotionally regulate ourselves, through the body and breath, and also co-regulate with others. This is a very important and overlooked part of the original model of NVC.
What are challenges of learning or applying NVC?
I want to be transparent, and believe its important to know some difficulties or pitfalls in learning and applying non-violent communication (NVC). It can be challenging for a number of reasons, including:
Breaking old habits: For many people, communicating in a non-violent way requires breaking old habits of using blame, criticism, or defensiveness in their interactions with others. This can be difficult, as these habits may be deeply ingrained and automatic.
Identifying and expressing emotions: Some people may find it challenging to identify and express their own emotions in a clear and concise way. NVC requires that individuals be able to do this in order to communicate effectively.
Understanding others: NVC also requires that individuals develop empathy and the ability to understand others' emotions and needs. This can be challenging, as it may require individuals to step outside of their own perspective and biases.
Dealing with resistance: When using NVC, it is possible that the other person may not be receptive to the approach, and may respond defensively or aggressively. This can be challenging to navigate, and may require patience and perseverance.
Applying NVC in real-time: Finally, it can be challenging to apply NVC in real-time situations, especially when emotions are running high or when there is a power imbalance between individuals.
Despite these challenges, many people find that learning and applying NVC can have a transformative impact on their relationships and interactions with others. With practice and patience, individuals can develop the skills and mindset necessary to communicate in a non-violent, empathetic, and respectful way. If you choose to work with me I will provide you with many valuable resources, including lists from the NVC website: GROKTHEWORLD.COM
So, in conclusion, I hope you have begun to see how NVC is a powerful tool for improving social and professional connections by building positive, supportive relationships. By focusing on observation, feeling, need, and request, we can express ourselves in a way that is honest and direct, while also acknowledging the feelings and needs of others. By practicing NVC, we can create a more empathetic and compassionate world, one conversation at a time.
